GOD FORGIVE US: Polish sociopaths try to crowdfund beer brewed using bacteria from Czech model’s vagina

Suddenly, your exotic use of swallow’s nest in that zany Belgian strong dark ale doesn’t seem so zany after all. A recent article from the very reputable, E.W. Scripps-founded United Press International puts all beer ingredients into perspective and perhaps puts our very existence as a species into question. According to UPI, the Warsaw, Poland-based company called The Order of Yoni — “Yoni” apparently being a Sanskrit word for “vagina” — is seeking to raise €150,000 (around $170,000) with an IndieGoGo campaign (we provide no link) for Bottled Instinct, a beer brewed using lactic acid bacteria collected from the vagina of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova.

“We have discovered a process of transmission of her essence of her femininity, her instincts by isolation of lactic acid bacteria from her vagina,” the company says in a YouTube video promoting the campaign. “Our laboratory isolates and multiplies the bacteria in a safe way.”

Yet we’re still completely skeptical of its safety and utterly repulsed by its premise. According to UPI, the Order of Yoni says it wants to make sour ales, lambics, flanders ales and sour stouts, and apparently each bottle of beer will be stamped with the date of the collection of the vaginal swab. According to the article:

The beers do not, however, feature the taste or odor of a vagina, the brewers say.

Is that relief I feel or complete, soul-crushing horror?

As a consolation prize for reading this society-collapsing news, the campaign had only raised €95 of its €150,000 goal after seven days, with 24 days of fundraising remaining.

One final thought before we quit writing forever: This product is literally the definition of objectifying women. Do you think that anyone would create a beer that somehow included an ingredient from a penis or semen? Never happen. Even if there is an artistic, even feminist way to conceptualize this, just watch that video. That is definitely not the intent. Bottled Instinct absolutely degrades women to the status of a mere object for sale, and it’s an embarrassment to humanity as a whole. But, it’s not like objectifying women is a new thing in the beer industry. Alexandra Brendlova, The Order of Yoni, the devil himself, please disappear back into your creepy Eastern European netherworld.